I'm a proud new aunt of baby Kate! Isn't she adorable? I like to think that she and Alexis were buddies up in heaven...after all they ARE cousins! And pretty much the same age...if there are ages up in heaven. If only newborn babies could talk and remembered before she could tell me about my angel. I am very happy for my sister. Its different when its your sister, its not as hard. But I still can't help but think "Why does my sister get to keep her baby and I didn't?" "What did she do that I didn't to get to keep her baby, how is she better than me that she could keep her baby?" I know that these questions are silly and there isn't any truth to them...I say I know that, but I don't think I really do. Yes I think it probably wasn't my fault, that all this 99.9% didn't happen as a punishment. But there is that .1% of me that wonders and worries and beats myself up about it all. Thinking that I'm not good enough to be a mom...that the Lord didn't consider me ready or able to have a baby. Its hard not to think that way.
I was talking to my mom about all this and she talked about how it will get easier as we have other children. But I told her I want them NOW! It sometimes feels like such a far way away to another baby. And even then part of my heart will always belong to Alexis and we will always have part of our family missing until we are reunited after this life. And sometimes it feels like such a LONG time till that joyous day. My mom being the insightful and faithful person she is thought of a talk she read lately and shared with me this beautiful quote by Sister Pingree in the Oct. 2003 General Conference:
"Faith, the spiritual ability to be persuaded of promises that are seen “afar off” but that may not be attained in this life, is a sure measure of those who truly believe. Elder Bruce R. McConkie expressed this truth in these words: “Faith in its full and pure form requires an unshakable assurance and … absolute confidence that [God] will hear our pleas and grant our petitions” in His own due time. Believing that, we too can “stand fast in the faith” today and tomorrow.
It matters not where we live or what our individual circumstances may be. Each day our righteous living can demonstrate a faith in Jesus Christ that sees beyond mortal heartaches, disappointments, and unfulfilled promises. It is a glorious thing to possess a faith that enables us to look forward to that day “when all that was promised the Saints will be given.”
Now I need to just have faith and be one that truly believes. Its alot easier said than done...but
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)
I pray that we all may have that faith to keep that eternal perspective to see those promises that the Lord has promised us, even if they are "afar off".
9 comments:
All I can say is, "I know". It felt like it took forever to get pregnant again after Kooper and then looking back sometimes it feels like yesterday that he was born. And it feels like it will be so long before I will get to see him again. Faith in the eternal perspective is what keeps me going. We aren't being punished we are being blessed, sometimes we just don't really know how. Just look at that first statement by Joseph Smith on your sidebar....escape the sorrows and evils of this present world. Satin wants you to think it's your fault. But really you gave Alexis something she needed, a body. She doesn't have to deal with the wrath of Satin. And I know even knowing that you still just want to give her everything you can and wanted to be her Mommy and dress her up and show her off and hold and cuddle her, and you will get to do it.
My prayers are with you. You are such a strong and amazing Mom. The Lord considered you to carry one of his most special spirits! He knows that you will be there for her when the time comes. He knows that you will be worthy to raise her after this earthly life.
Hugs!
Kami
Oh Amy. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. My heart goes out to you.
You are a mommy and you always will be to sweet little Alexis. We found out that my brother and sister in law are trying for a baby. It's been pretty hard to deal with and the baby isn't even hear yet nor is she pregnant so I can't begin to imagine the emotions you are going through.
I wish your heart peace during this time.
Always in my thoughts and prayers
*hugs*
My best friend and I had been pregnant together. We had "planned" it since high school. Our daughters were going to be the BEST of friends. Sometimes I still wonder what Telima did differently.
Last summer, shortly after I became pregnant with Patrick, I sort of "lost it" and my bishop noticed. Through his advice and a lot of scripture study, I started trying to figure out how to build faith in those eternal promises. I don't know if there are any definite steps but I remember the humble prayers of "help though mine unbelief."
Anyway, it's not a punishment. God doesn't work that way. Remember, the pharisees asked Christ whether a man who had been blind from birth had sinned, or if his parents had sinned. Christ answered that neither had, but "that the works of God may be made manifest." I think the same is true for us. It is not a punishment, rather it is so that Heavenly Father can reveal Himself in our lives. (hugs)
Thanks for sharing that Amy. It was beautiful, just what I needed to hear today. Hope your hanging in there. Love you!
Thank you, Amy. Thank you for being honest and sharing your feelings. I love you so much. I can promise you losing Alexis is not a punishment. But at the same time, I can understand how all of these things are going through your mind. I love you, and Heavenly Father loves you. Our Savior loves you. And they long to embrace you and draw you closer. Through our trials, as I'm sure you've already learned, we can come to know our Savior in such an intimate way and learn things in a way no other experience could possibly afford. I love you and am praying for you always.
Come see us! :)
My husband's brother and sister in law are pregnant right now with a baby girl, and it breaks my heart. I just am so torn that I have to sit and watch thier baby grow up, and I don't get my own. I was praying that they would have a boy, but nope girl! I hope that you have a good week this week. I will send you those pictures! Take Care! Love to you! Rylie
Oh I love love love those quotes. Amy I feel you on this one. when I was pregnant with Joseph I was so excited because 2 of my other sisters were pregnant and we were just weeks apart. I knew that our 3 boys would be best friends. when Joseph passed away all of those same feelings that you are having I had, and still have. It is so hard to see pictures and hear them talk about how their boys are growing because Joseph would have been that same age and everything.
It is easier that they are my newphes like you said and they were playing with him up in heaven. It is just so tricky because I always think why do they get to keep their boys and I don't get to keep mine. But then sometimes i think about it and I think," I already have a perfect child, I don't need to worry if Joseph will make it back to his father in heaven." That to me brings alot of comfort.
I am rambeling I swear. Love you Amy and I think your awesome and so strong. Love you. If you need anything let me know!
Amy, I know how you feel (I know that sounds cliche) - I was pregnant with 5 sisters-in-law and they all had living, healthy babies. I often wondered why it had to be me. I just view birth as a complete miracle now.
I do find it significant that I made it to exactly 37 weeks - "full term." She just needed to get her body and she was too good to be here. It doesn't make it easier now, but I know we'll be so happy someday as we get to raise our angels in a perfect world with no sin. Can you even imagine??
Good for you to be happy for your sister. Hold that sweet baby lots.
Your feelings are completely natural. After Tim and I lost our first baby, I remember watching my whole ward have babies. My journal entries are full of why am I being punished entries... The hardest for me was when I found out that two of my students (one 16 and one 13) were having babies. My sister in law called one day to tell me she was having a baby, and I cried for several hors and filled my journal with some not very nice things. I understand the feeling well. But, I know that it isn't true. There is absolutely nothing you could have done, and nothing you did that you are being punished for. Alexis chose you because you were able to give her a body, and she knew you would be strong enough to make it back to be with her. You are so amazing Amy!
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