It feels like everyone is moving on. Like they expect me to be doing better. I'm not. I'm doing worse. Crawling into bed and crying at night is a common occurrence these days. This whole world I live in now is so different, I don't really know how to do this. At least I can get out of bed and go to work. I don't really want to be at work though. I'd rather just sit on the couch. I know getting up and doing something will make me feel better but its hard to convince my heart and body that. Everyone around me is having babies. I want my baby. I even feel like Zach is doing fine...he just seems to get really sad when I'm really sad. Maybe thats just how boys are. But at the same time I know he probably wouldn't really tell me if he was feeling really sad but I'm a girl and have to express my thoughts and feelings all the time. I feel bad cuz it makes him even more sad when I'm sad.
No one has even gone to visit her grave that I know of. This makes me super sad. What happens if we move in the next few months? She will be alone. Who will visit her? I know its just her body...and her Spirit can be with us wherever we are but its still sad to think that we won't be able to go see her every week. I feel like I'm going crazy...I have moments where I think i will just completely break down.
For those of you not dealing or have never dealt with this kind of grief please bear with me. Its going to take me a long time. And even then I will always miss Alexis and I will always want to talk about her. Always.
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I'm a 33 year old mother to a beautiful angel baby, Alexis Lynne. She was stillborn January 15, 2009 due to a cord accident. This blog was a place for me to write my feelings and thoughts about the experience. I hope its a place that others can learn and grow from too. I'm sincerely sorry if you are having to go through a similar trial right now. Please feel free to email me!! amywhitney85@gmail.com
14 comments:
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You know, I felt like those first two months everyone was so kind and supportive and sensitive toward me. And then it all sort of dropped off, and that was almost harder. Don't feel guilty or "different" for the way you grieve - there are so many different ways and every one of them is ok.
I'll be thinking of you...
oh Amy, I hope you know how much I love you! I think grieving is a long painful process and I hope you know that I will be right here for you. I think you have your good days and bad days and that is perfectly normal. You're Alexis's mom, of course it hurts you. You knew her in a way that only a mom knows her baby.
Winston and I will visit her grave! I have actually thought about it a couple of times but she doesn't have a head stone yet and I don't know where to go. But if you tell me we would love to visit her grave. And if you move we will visit her for you.
We love you guys, it is hard to see you guys hurt so deeply. but it is perfectly understandable, and it's a time for everyone else to be patient and shower you with love. We need to "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and stand comfort those that stand need of comfort" I have shed many tears for you guys. I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I know what it feels like to grieve for a loved one. I hope you feel Heavenly Fathers arms that are wrapped around you and Alexis's sweet spirit that comes to comfort her family. We have all felt her spirit and it's beautiful!
Amy, you have every right to feel this way! I am so sorry and just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. I haven't been through this before so I don't have much to say but just that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Really.
You don't know me. I accidently clicked on your blog from another blog once. It just happened to be right when you lost Alexis. I have been blog stalking you ever since. I lost a baby at 20 weeks. I don't compare it to you at full term but I delievered my little boy and held him so to me he counts. This was a little over two years ago. I have since had a little girl. The pain is still there every day. It always will be. Losing a child changes you forever. I just tried to make myself a better person for him. I don't cry everyday now but I did for over a year. Mostly in the shower after I could tell everyone thought I should be moving on. Do it at your own pace. Don't let anyone dictate how you feel. My husband and I reacted totally different. You and I carried our children. We knew them long before our husbands so it's harder for us. I think it's great that you have this blog as a place to get your feelings out. I am so sorry for your loss.
I think I have said every single word you just posted. I hated feeling like everyone was moving on. Like they get the luxry of a new day when I felt like I was living and grieving the same day over and over. the worst days EVER. I know it sounds trite - but the days will get better. Right now I KNOW it feels like you will never be happy again. I remember that and I aknowledge those feelings you have. Feel whatever way you need to feel to grieve. That was the best advice I received. Don't let others put a time limit on your grief. Only YOU know what it feels like to be in YOUR situation. Please know that I think about you and I know that Hevenly Father, in time, will help carry this burden when you are ready.
I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. I'm soo sorry!
I have to agree with Cheri. For the first month or two, you have everyone carrying you. And then it feels like your support is disappearing from underneath you. It's hard when the world keeps going around you, when you just want it to look as shattered as you feel.
((hugs))
Be patient with yourself. Don't allow anyone to make you feel like you need to force yourself to be better. You can't force it. Feel what you feel.
The idea of moving away from where you laid your baby to rest is the reason why we opted for cremation. We only lived there for school, and we'd be graduating. This last January we moved. As hard as it is for me to move away from Jenny Lake (where we spread her ashes) I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave a grave behind.
Anyway, I have more I want to express but my brain is mush so the words aren't coming. So I'll just give you more (hugs)
Amy,
I really have no idea what you are going through either, but I do understand a little about people expecting you to move on. A couple months after I miscarried, I felt like everyone wanted me to move on, but I was still so sad. Todd and I are both here for you to talk to. I would be honored if you called just to talk about how you feel. You are such a strong person...I would have broken down by now. I do think about you all the time. I bet a lot of people think and pray for your little family. Alexis has touched more lives than you can ever imagine. Like Adriene said, her spirit is beautiful. We LOVE you!
p.s. Todd and I are visiting Utah this summer and we would like to visit her grave, too. And you might not have my number. It's 208-419-6907. Please call!
You don't know me, but I have followed your heartbreak thru DSM. We lost our little boy, 16 years ago. Your pain is so raw, and reminds me of where I was after Joshua's death. Something that I did, was attend a support group for parents who had experienced the loss of their baby. It helped me to feel free to express what I was feeling, and also to hear that what I was feeling was not that much different than the other parents. One year after his death, we too moved, and I too worried about his grave and who would go to visit. A wonderful young couple with two little children offered to go on holidays, and make sure that his legacy became part of their children's lives. 16 years later, they continue this "Heaven Sent" kindness. You never forget your child, they are very much a part of your family, but you do get so that your heart doesn't physically hurt, but it does take time...allow yourself that time to heal without pressure. Everyone goes thru the grief process differently...but the outcome is the same...a place of peace. Try hard to look at this journey with an eternal perspective. Your daughter is beautiful, such a angel from Heavenly Father.
Love, Prayers and Support
Tracy L
Sorry, that last post was me, Joy. I didn't realize I was signed into a different blog.
I wish that I could say it's better once you move on, but i think it's better to hold on.
We're still not pregnant yet we're getting closer to 2.5 years of trying and we still have unbelieveable heart aches. Crawling into bed and crying at night is a common occurrence these days with me too. Everyone around me is having babies too. 11 babies are due in April in my ward... just april! I want one baby, that's all.
What have we done not to deserve one, is a common question with us. I know that the Lord feels our heart aches and he knows our desires, but I just wish that I knew anything; a simple reason...why not now.
(HUGS) to you Amy. I am so sorry for your pain and hurt. I can't fully understand what you are going through as I have never lost a child, but I can say that I have been in a place where I hurt so much I cried all the time, and just wanted to give up and die. I know it feels so lonely but you are not alone in this! I and many others have felt this kind of pain, and especially your Savior knows what you feel. My thoughts a prayers continue to be with you.
Amy.
I totally understand. I remember Scott never really seemed to sad that Joseph was gone and I would cry myself to sleep every night. One of the only things I found comfort in was snuggleing the blanket just like the one we burried Joseph in. I felt like if I was snuggeling that then I was closer to my baby. where your at now was the hardest time for me after I lost Joseph. I hated getting up and working. I hated my husband because I couldn't understand why he didn't cry himself to sleep every night, I hated that my calling in church was primary, I hated that everyone was moving forward and expecting me to do the same, I hated everything about everyone, I hated that no one EVER visited Josephs grave besides myself, I hated my ward for not caring about me and my situation.
It wasn't untill Scott, my sweet husband, FORCED me to go and talk to the bishop which took him months of talking me into actually going. What he told me was so profound and has changed my whole out look on why Joseph had to be taken from me. I had told myself that I didn't care what anyone said to me I only wanted to hear from Heavenly Father himself. I wanted him to tell me WHY he had to take my son from me. I'm so grateful to my Husband and bishop for being so intuned to Heavenly Father.
Love you Amy. I'm so sorry your going through this I hope things start feeling better and a little easier soon.
Love Amy
Amy if you didn't listen to todays afternoon conference you need to go and listen to Elder Richad G. Scotts His talk was second to last. the last part of his talk was so inspiring and maybe will bring you peace, I did to me. Love you
Love Amy
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