First off I want to say a few things about this blog...someone has mentioned to me that maybe I shouldn't be so expressive and honest publicly through this blog. This person is concerned that it makes people sad and that I shouldn't have it out here for anyone to read (this person is also concerned about my safety with many scary people out there...we are not worried about this). However, I disagree. The whole reason I made this blog separate is so that I could express my feelings and thoughts completely and honestly here and not on our family blog so our family blog wouldn't get bogged down with sometimes yucky and sad feelings even though we will still talk about her on our blog and everything.
There is a selfish reason for this blog too...when I'm having a hard time I know that I can express it here and so many of you will be there for me lifting me up and sharing words of encouragement and love. And every one of those messages helps me so much. Thank you for everyone who has commented and expressed thoughts and included us in our thoughts and prayers. We are very blessed to have wonderful people in our life.
Another reason for this blog is a hope that our story, Alexis' story, will influence and help others. Others who may be going through a similar experience, any kind of loss or any other hard time. And even others who aren't going through a hard time. I hope that those with children, after reading of our story, will cherish their children even more. I hope that Alexis' memory and life, even though very short, will live on forever through all of you and me.
So...that is why I will continue with this blog. There will be many posts of my raw feelings. Somehow it helps me to express them this way. Knowing that I'm not holding them in and receiving support when I so desperately need it. For example, I could stew and be mad that no one else is visiting my baby or I could honestly express my frustration and maybe someone will go visit her. I know no one is purposely not visiting her to make me feel bad but sometimes you just have to say something for people to realize.
Anyway...SO my point in all of this is that if you don't want to read sad and hard things about our experience and our feelings then don't visit this blog. Not all of my posts will be saturated in sadness, some of them will be of things I've learned and filled with hope, but some of them will be angry and sad. You've been warned. :) I guess that was a little more than a few words..oh well. I think it needed to be said.
NOW...I'd like to share something I think all people should know. I didn't know all of these things before I had Alexis. I never had experienced real, intense and raw grief like I'm going through now. I didn't know what would help others. I think some people think that not saying anything is helpful, that bringing up the person or the situation would be hurtful and some don't know what to say so they don't say anything. THIS IS NOT RIGHT! I'm very passionate about this...yesterday I went to a training for a new job and everyone was introducing themselves. The theme with everyone's intros seemed to be whether they were married, how many kids, etc. So I said that I had a daughter but she was stillborn in January. NO ONE said ANYTHING at all to me about it the whole day. Even the teacher was doing my fingerprints at one point and said something like "Did you say you have children?" and I told him that I did but that she was stillborn. He said something like "Oh, thats right" and nothing else about it. REALLY?! Isn't common sense to at least say "I'm sorry" or SOMETHING? I dont' tell people about her to get a ton of sympathy or attention BUT I will not avoid the subject, I want so badly for people to know about her. So I will tell anyone who will listen. Someone came over and said to me "I don't know what to say so I'm just going to say "I'm sorry" and move on." I love that she recognized that she didn't know what to say but expressing that she was sorry and acknowledging my grief and hard time. PLEASE...if you know someone that is grieving PLEASE acknowledge it, even just saying "I'm sorry." is enough, DO NOT ignore it. That is the WORST thing you could do. A few of my friends who are mothers of angels have posted lists of things you can do to help a grieving person, I think they are really good for everyone to know so I wanted to post some of them here...I'm going to copy and paste from their ideas and maybe add a few of my own words. When its not my words the text will be in black. Here we go...
1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it's uncomfortable at first, it will become easier. As you have already read I'm VERY passionate about this one. I LOVE to talk about Alexis. She is my baby! My first child. She is a very integral part of our everyday life. I will talk about her and show her pictures off to anyone who will listen. So watch out. :)
2. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you to know. People don't want to burden you with their grief. When people ask the automatic "How are you?" I normally just saying "I'm ok". If you REALLY want to know, tell them that.
3. Don't EVER put a time line on someone's grief. It is different for everyone, and losing someone isn't something you get over. I've been having a hard time with this lately as I said in my other post, as I feel like others around me are moving on and think that I should be moving on. But I'm really doing worse. Time will eventually dull my pain, but it will never go away until I'm with Alexis again. The funny thing is that I think others think that with time you will be doing better, but at first it really gets worse as time goes on. Eventually I think it will get better but right now time is not a healer.
4. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards. One of my worries is that people will forget about Alexis. One of the most important things that the mother of an angel could receive is a card saying that someone other than them remembers their baby.
5. If a person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to. I have found that verbalizing my thoughts, even if there is no response from the person listening helps me process through it better and come to a conclusion or answer on my own. I appreciate those who just listen without judgment.
6. Don't assume they are ever "better." They never become completely whole and the loss will be a part of them for the rest of their lives. There will be a forever hole in my heart where that piece will always be with Alexis. Now we have to learn how to live with a broken heart and to live a new "normal" without that piece of our heart.
7. Accept the fact that you can not "fix" this for them. What you can do is love them.
8. Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. Its just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice" when they are having a hard time, but they don't want to burden everyone with their grief either.
9. Validate. Validate. Validate. Please, whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone else's "harder loss". The mere fact that the person feels the way they do makes their feelings valid. We are all different and what might be hard for one person may not be hard for another. Everyone has difficulties and its not fair to compare.
10. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you'll see them again" isn't a fix it all. it is ture, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now. Just because the bereaved may continue to cry and have hard days doesn't mean they don't have a testimony of the plan of salvation, or that they have given up hope...it means that they are normal and they miss their loved one more than words can express.
11. Most of all, make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.
There is more I could say but this has already gotten way too long. I need to go listen to General Conference better. I just felt so driven to get this posted.
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I'm a 33 year old mother to a beautiful angel baby, Alexis Lynne. She was stillborn January 15, 2009 due to a cord accident. This blog was a place for me to write my feelings and thoughts about the experience. I hope its a place that others can learn and grow from too. I'm sincerely sorry if you are having to go through a similar trial right now. Please feel free to email me!! amywhitney85@gmail.com
16 comments:
AMEN. I vented to some people last night about how this old lady in my ward said, "At least you didn't get to hold her and get to know her...and then lost her." Really?? You think that's comforting for me to think about??
I think writing is therapeutic and if this blog helps you, go for it!
By the way, did you hear Elder Scott's talk? I saw him a few weeks after Macie died (at Elder Wirthlin's viewing) and he came over to talk to us and cried with us. Now I know why his emotions were so close to the surface as well. I love that man.
Amy I don't know you, but I did go to school with Zach and I have been watching your blogs and keeping up with you..I hope you don't mind... But I wanted to say I have two boys and eachday I love them a little more and can I say that it is because you have been so open and passionate about your feelings about your sweet little angle (adorable I might add) and my heart goes out two both of you well all three of you...I am so happy that youa re able to express your feelings and get out some of your greif and sorrow on this blog that is a gift(Like you said you could hold it in) I am happy that you found a way to feel a little bit of comfort.. My opinion on not opening up as much on here would be it is totaly up to you and if this is helping you even a little bit then DON'T stop by any means!!! And I feel like you are reaching out to others and touching others lifes I know that you have made me a better mom and I hope to watch you and your family grow in these life experiences... Thank you so much for sharing!!! and I am SORRY from my whole heart I hope that you feel comfort soon!!! Keep your chin high and take in sec by sec min by min day by day adn keep up the good work!!! :)
I apologize in advance, this is a long comment:
This is YOUR blog, no one else's. You write what you feel. Those of us who have buried our babies, we understand. People who are uncomfortable with your truth have yet to truly grasp the "mourn with those that mourn" concept. Truly mourning with others extends far beyond showing up at a funeral, sharing "feel-good" scriptures, or cooking a meal. Those things make the other person feel better. There are really people out there who just can't handle the raw pain that comes with such loss. Their idea of the "mourn with those that mourn" concept is based on inexperience with the trials we face as mothers of children born still. I pray, for their sake, they do not ever have to feel such devastating pain. I hope they never have to know what it feels like to survive such tragedy, and then feel as though you have to censor things for the sake of others.
I have often said I firmly believe if blogs had been around 12 and a half years ago(when I lost my first child)the support of other mothers would have been an amazing gift and blessing. I felt tremendously alone. Although I was surrounded by people who loved me, and wanted to help, I still felt alone. They just didn't "get it". I pray that you find great healing through this blog, YOUR blog! I pray that those of us who "get it" can ease your pain somehow. And, if a person finds your truth and the story of your daughter too hard to handle (unless you are only sharing the things you've learned or the hope you have) there are millions of other blogs to read.
I am sincerely sorry for your pain. I wish I could do something to help ease your suffering. You keep writing, keep being honest. Every word you wrote in this post rang as heartfelt truth in my ears.
If I have shared this quote with you before, sorry for sharing it again:
"Close the door. Write with no one looking over your shoulder. Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say." ~Barbara Kingsolver
I believe we honor our babies when we write what we have to say, as if no one is looking over our shoulders. We are being true to who we are, and I believe that must surely make our girls proud of us.
(((hugs)))
After reading your post I feel really bad I didn't say anything to you when you came over to my house. I didn't want to be the first one to mention Alexis because I didn't want you to feel sad and I just didn't even know what to say. I obviously don't know how difficult it is to give birth to a baby that wasn't alive and have all those painful emotions. I hope you don't hate me. I just didn't want to end up sticking my foot in my mouth and say something that might come out insensitive, but that's not how I ment it. That happens ALOT with me. But after reading your post I realize I should have said something. At least I have learned how to approach people who have lost a child in the future. But for now will you please forgive me?
I agree. I think writing about Logan and Brody is extremely therapeutic to me. I like looking back on my hard days and I try to help myself through the new hard day.
I still have "so called" friends who have yet to say anything at all to me. It will be three months end of April that we lost the boys and these people are blatantly ignoring me. It is so hurtful.
*hugs*
We are always here for you my dear.
i've been told that same thing...but you keep on writing girl! i have and its been the best thing for me....you are doing a wonderful honor to your dauthers life through your words...dont let anyone take that away from you.
((hugs))
I 100% agree with you. Someone in my ward wrote a post about me on an anonomys blog and everyone knew it was me. I was so hurt that someone would go on there and bash the way I am grieving the loss of my baby girl. I have had such a struggle with people not talking to me at church because of my loss because they don't know what to say to me. Please know I think of you often, and although people grieve differently please know you are never alone. Love to you! Rylie
Thank you so much for posting this! I can't believe that happened at your new job.
Amy, I'm not sure if this helps or not, but now I'm way more patient with my son than I was before. Everytime I get mad at him, I always think of you and think "it's better that he is screaming at me than not screaming..." and then I think of Alexis.
Just know that Todd and I are here for you and we love you guys so much! Thank you for having this beautiful blog about Alexis and letting us all get to know her. Maybe you could do one about her, like what you craved while pregnant, how active she was, the general feeling you got of her personality...things like that. I want to know this child more!
Amy- I think that it is wonderful that you have this blog and you are trying to help others while you are grieving. I can not imagine what you are going through. Please do not let anybody make you feel like the way you are handling it is wrong. My sister-in-law had a cousin who was still born. It was 10 years ago, that baby is still talked about and is part of the family. Alexis will always be part of your family. I am sorry that you are going through this. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.
I want to thank you for having this blog! Yes, it makes me cry some days...but I choose to read it and I am thankful for your willingness to share. I love your testimony that I feel through it, it strengthens mine....AND I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT!!!! I feel better talking about things too. My husband has had two siblings die and I love to talk about them. It helps me. So feel free to call anytime...I would love to hear your stories about Alexis in person. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, I wish that there was something I could do. If I could take your pain away I would do it in a heartbeat...I know that I can't do that but I can be a ear where your words can fall. You're always in my prayers, hang in there.
Rhonda
435-232-6332
Amy, I agree with whats been said. I have not lost a child but I understand that in life we NEED to do some things for ourselves. And this is what you can do for you. I think you are so strong to know that you need that. I think its great that you are doing every thing you can to not let the memories die.
OHHH, people make me made sometimes. I know they don't understand but come one. I too had people express their feelings that it was wrong for me to publicly talk about Harrison and my feelings and that I was making people sad. That wasn't my intention at all. It is a healing process for me and they don't have to read it if they don't want to. They have no idea that his blog has been such a blessing and healing process in my life. My only regret is that I didn't do it right away. They have no idea. Just like when we talked at my house, we like to talk about it, we want recognition that our children were here and are ours. Thank you for sharing this. I hope those out there that don't have a clue will at least get some insight that its a process. I am sorry about the job interview, how awful for you. I hope if you get the job that they will be nicer and more considerate.
It was SO good to meet you. Sorry we didn't get to talk more it was CRAZY!!! We'll have to do lunch for sure. Thanks for coming, it made me day. Love ya. April
Amy- I am so glad you have found an outlet to express your feelings. I have to admit that I truly don't comprehend the depth of your pain, but I hope that this blog will help in your healing process. To those that expect a timeline, I hope they do remember that greiving is a process, not an event. We think about you and are praying for you and Zach.
So you don't know me. I am Kami's ( Kooper's mom) best friend, Jenna. I just want you to know that I think about you Amy and your sweet Alexis. I have even shed tears over her. I want you to know that you beautiful girl is remembered and has touched many lives. My heart and prayers are with you and all angel mommies. Jenna
Thank you for posting this. I've had a hard time knowing exactly what to say or do to help you through this rough time, but I've wanted to be able to do something. Eric and I still pray for you and Zach every night. I don't blame you in the slightest for taking this long to grieve. I've gone through the process of a broken heart before and I know how hard it can be to get through. While it's not the same thing, your heart has definitely been broken and I would think that the process of mending is similar. In all honesty, I've been so impressed with the grace that you've faced this challenge with. I think it takes courage to share such a personal experience so publicly. I've also been impressed with how you've used this as an opportunity to bear your testimony of the Plan of Salvation and how deep that testimony seems to be especially now.
I don't think I've told you this before but your loss of Alexis hit me particularly hard because I was waiting for my own Samuel to be born. That night I sobbed on my way home from work for you. I am sure I can't imagine the grief you've gone through but I felt like I could understand in some small part the deep love that you had already for Alexis and how heartbreaking it must have been to have gone through all of the sacrifice of pregnancy and in the end not have your beautiful baby with you. Your experience snapped me into the reality that things can go seriously wrong in pregnancy and childbirth and that just because I'd gotten past the point where miscarriage was likely didn't guarantee that everything would turn right in the end. There was no reason why you shouldn't have your Alexis and I would get to have my Samuel. Except that Alexis was apparently too good for this world. That idea scared me and I had a really hard time with that at the end of my pregnancy.
I want you to know that I remember Alexis every day as I'm taking care of Samuel. Your loss has made me so much more grateful that he was born healthy and that things didn't go wrong. Whenever I start to get frustrated with the monotony of taking care of a newborn, or upset because he's fussy and I don't know how to fix it, or any of the other trials of motherhood - I have that much more reason to pause and just be grateful that I have the opportunity to have those problems. I am twice as patient with him and try doubly hard to do my very best as a mother. I know you would have done a great job taking care of Alexis and I feel like I have to do even better now to make up in some small way for the opportunity that you've lost.
I hope this doesn't sound callous. I've been hesitant to share this with you because I don't want to sound like I'm rubbing in the fact that I got to keep my baby while you didn't. That fact is totally senseless to me as well. But I guess I realize how easily it could have been me in your place and you in mine. I want to do anything in my power to make it so that your loss hasn't been for nothing and to help you get through this. Please let us know if there's anything we can do for you. We would love to have you and Zach over some time, but don't feel like you have to come if it's too difficult. I wish I could somehow share Samuel with you to help make up for your loss, but I know it's not the same to hold someone else's baby. I guess I just hope that you know that you are welcome here whenever you'd like, but that you have no obligations to come. Also, if you ever need someone to just listen I'm here for you. I don't always know what the right things are to say to help you get through everything, and I guess I'm very worried to say the wrong thing and make it worse (which is maybe why many people choose not to say anything at all). Just let me know if there's anything I can do.
Anyways, this was a long comment but I wanted you to know of the effect that Alexis has had in my life. Take your time in grieving and let us know if there's any way that we can help. We love you and continually pray for you!
Amy, I am so sorry that there our people out there that just don't understand. It is so surprising to me, that people get frustrated with you that you are still sad. What do they expect it has only been 3 months since your hole life has changed. You were with your beautiful daughter for 8 1/2 months, 37 weeks. You were thrilled when you found out you were having a baby, and I'm sure you told everyone. And then you lived with her inside of you for 37 weeks. You felt every movement, you named her, you talked to her. You even decorated her nursery, and you loved her very much. When you lost her you lost you future with her, that you looked forward too. It is heart breaking that someone feels like talking about your beautiful Alexis is wrong, and all the feelings that goes along with losing her. She is your baby and you have every right to talk about her and how you are feeling. Your a wonderful person and a very loving mother. You should be proud of your baby girl and never censer how you feel, even if someone else is uncomfortable. I love you and am so glad I met you. You are such a lovely mother and I am sure our baby girls and good freinds. I hope that things get better for you, and Your family is our prayers. Don't stop talking about your baby girl, and don't stop talking about how you feel. Your words are such a comfort to other moms who have lost there baby's and need someone like you they can look up too. You are amazing!
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