WARNING: This is going to be a very blunt, honest and angry post. If you are pregnant or recently had a baby you don't want to read it because you might get your feelings hurt. You've been warned...
Well...its been a long time since I've posted here. Its not because Alexis has become any less important, I've just been really busy with family reunions and other projects. Go to our family blog to read more about that.
This post is for me to vent my anger. I'm angry. I'm angry that I don't have my baby here. I'm angry that I carried her for almost 9 months and she died. I'm angry that other people complain about their pregnancies or their children when they have no idea how blessed they are. I would give anything to be uncomfortable because a precious baby was growing inside of me. I'm angry that its so easy for some people to get pregnant and so hard for others. I'm angry that I'm not pregnant. I'm angry that Alexis isn't here. I'm angry that others forget and think it should be better now that its been almost 6 months. Its not better. I'm
And I'm sad...very sad. I feel like this is a punishment. I know you all will say it isn't but honestly, lately I've felt like we aren't doing something right. That we aren't/weren't good enough to get to keep our baby. And then when my sister in law is pregnant and going to have her baby soon part of me feels like its God just rubbing it in. Saying "Ha ha, you weren't good enough, you did something wrong and just to prove it and just to add insult to injury Zach's brother and brother's wife are having a baby just 8 months after you and they will get to keep their baby, so they must be better than you." I really feel that way a lot of the time. Seriously? They have to be having a baby THAT soon to Alexis dying. Its not their fault, they weren't even trying so I don't want them to feel bad. I'm just angry at God I guess. Of all the luck. So now I have to be careful, even if it tears me up inside I have to try and not hurt their feelings. But what about my feelings? I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be sad. Do I go to the hospital when the baby is born even though that is the LAST thing I want to do but I don't want to hurt their feelings? Do I have to act happy? Because I'm not. I want to be happy like them, I want to raise my baby. Its just not fair and I can't keep it all in anymore. I know I sound selfish and I need to swallow my pride but this is my blog and I need to get it out. I need support, I need help, I need advice, suggestions, anything that will help me deal with this better!
NOTHING is working out for us lately and I feel beat up. I'm getting hit while I'm down.
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I'm a 33 year old mother to a beautiful angel baby, Alexis Lynne. She was stillborn January 15, 2009 due to a cord accident. This blog was a place for me to write my feelings and thoughts about the experience. I hope its a place that others can learn and grow from too. I'm sincerely sorry if you are having to go through a similar trial right now. Please feel free to email me!! amywhitney85@gmail.com
12 comments:
I don't think anyone can fault you for your feelings. I was pregnant at the same time as 5 sisters-in-law and they all got to have their babies. Luckily they're all sensitive to me.
I think it's therapeutic to get it out. No matter what you are feeling, or how often, it is fine and it is normal.
I am so sorry Amy. I am still mad that my little monkey isn't here. I don't think anyone ever gets over losing their baby. I wish Kooper was here more than ever.
Don't care what others think. Don't go to the hospital when the baby is born. They will understand and if they don't that is their problem. I didn't go to baby showers after I lost Kooper and nobody said anything.
I am so lucky to have a friend that understands. She is my best friend and had her daughter a week before I lost Kooper and she realized that she couldn't complain to me because she had the one thing I was yearning for, how could she complain?? So i hope those closest to you read this that are pregnant or have a newborn because they need to realize that they are LUCKY to be carrying a baby and LUCKY to have a sweet baby in their home even though the baby doesn't sleep or cries 24/7.
I get it, when people blow off when you mention your baby because they are uncomfortable...or they just don't ask anymore questions because you say they died. I love to talk about my little boy.
I wish people would bring him up more often.
I don't know if this helps any, but I just want you to know that my feelings aren't hurt. I still have those feelings of anger at times. A new baby doesn't make them go away or cover them up, they still come through.
HUGS To you!
This post feels like I wrote it myself. I know your anger. I feel it daily. I am not on speaking terms with God and feel awful about it but I just feel like we have been crapped on left and right. It has been such a frustrating year full of tears and anger. I am glad that I am taking a month off of work, I just can't handle it. Sometimes, I just want to run away and never look back but then, the hurt and anger just follows you.
I know how you feel my friend. I wish I could change it for the both of us.
*hugs*
So Sorry Amy. Huge HUGS to you! Don't go to the hospital. Hopefully they will understand, and if not, they will eventually get over it. That is nothing compared to what you have been through.
I am of the opionion that people don't think before they speak. After we lost our first baby, we dealt with infertility for several years. During that time my sister would call me on a regular basis to complain about her kids, or to talk about what a struggle she was having trying to decided whether or not to have another one. I just listened, dying inside until one day I couldn't handle it any more. I finally hung up on her, and when I had cooled down explained to her (through MANY tears) exactly how it made me feel when she called. She had no idea. When people complain to you, or around you, speak up. It is obnoxious anyway :) even without the added pain of losing your sweet baby...
Eventually, you will have to meet your new niece(?), and you will probably cry a lot when that happens. That's okay. Take her into another room where you can be by yourself. Cry, and talk to her about your Alexis.
Please don't feel like you've done something wrong or that you are being punished. You are awesome! I look at you and the positive things you have done since losing Alexis and I am amazed! I definitely don't think I would have the strength to edit photos for others that have lost their babies, or arrange fundraisers for someone at risk... etc. You are doing something amazing in spite of personal tragedy. I know it is easy to slip into the "punishment" mindset. But remember who wants you to feel that way, and pray harder than you ever have. It may take awhile, but eventually the love will get through.
You are not alone. I'm so sorry. I would also not recommend going to the hospital. I have just call or text people instead of going to the hospital and said 'glad your baby made it safe & wish you a speedy recovery.' I don't go to baby showers. I don't go to baby blessings. I don't just throw out a 'congratulations' to anyone... I want to mean it when I say it. Your feelings are justified and you're entitled to feel every single one of them--I know where you're coming from. I know your heart hurts..and my heart hurts for you. I hope you'll be able to fill your arms soon and accomplish your dreams of being a mother and raising children in this life.
When it rains.... it FLOODS- it doesn't only just poor.
Thinking of you and I'm here anytime you need to talk or vent. You have my support and help in anyway that you need it, ok?
Hugs & Hearts to you friend.
i agree with everybody else. send a card, because it is the nice proper thing to do, and they know you are (ultimately) happy for them. howEVER if i were them, or if this happened to a family member and i had had my daughter, i would not expect them to come to the hospital. like everybody said, be a little selfish. you come first. also, maybe you'd want to look into counseling to deal with your grief and get these feelings out as well. i feel SO much better after talking to a professional about things in my life that i feel like i have no control over.
I felt/feel the same way sometimes. Like when I wrote on Harry's blog about my best friend having a boy just a month ago. She complained all the time, even when she found out she was having a boy, only 3 weeks after I lost Harry. I wanted to scream, do you know what you'll have? I debated going to the hospital but I did. I was so hard, I'm not going to lie, I bawled my eyes out that whole day, I wanted it to be me. But I went and through an anxiety attack I think it was I held him. He was precious and beautiful. I felt a bit of healing through holding him. Go if you want or don't go if you don't want to. Really they will understand and I hope not be mad at you, they should realize this is just too soon. I am so sorry it really isn't fair. I wish we could've talked more the other night. We'll do it again. I think its great your venting your anger. Hang in there girly. The good is coming. After i lost Harry we had to move, lived with my mom for a month then bought our house, then I got super sick, why? Why does it keep happening to me? All this bad stuff? I don't know. I hope I'm on the lucky side soon but so far I don't see it either. This testing is so hard. Love you.
Hi Amy,
Although I am pregnant again I am still angry that Preslie is not here with us. It is so difficult to have so many others around me having perfectly healthy babies. Although I would never wish this upon anyone, I always wonder why it had to be my little Preslie.
My brother and sister in law are expecting, and found out a week before Preslie died. I often wonder why Heavenly Father would do that to us. Why do we have to sit and watch them raise thier baby and we don't get ours? To add on top of it they are having a girl as well. I already know that it will be so difficult to see, or hear about thier baby. But they are pretty understanding.
Recently everyone has been telling me that I need to move on. That I had Preslie and now i need to move on with this baby. We will never move on. We will never forget!
Keep holding on Amy. You are never alone, and everything you are feeling is very okay. You and your husband are always in our prayers. Hugs!
We love you Amy! You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry you feel like God is punishing you. I promise you that He isn't. He truly does love you and through His Son He can comfort you.
I think you have every right to be angry and sad and I"m glad you have this blog as an outlet. We will continue to pray for you!
Oh, try reading or listening to Elder Pino's talk and Elder Scott's talk from last conference. I always think of you when I hear them!
Haven't read the other comments. I just wanted to say, feel what you feel. If she gets upset that you aren't "happy" for her, she can deal. She's the one with the baby, you're the one that isn't. Don't go to the hospital if you don't want to. Cry in front of her if you have to. My sweet best friend started crying first when I visited her Katy for the first time (Katy was born 2 months after Cora).
It's okay to be angry at God, as long as you don't stop loving/obeying/praying to Him. He understands your pain.
And as far as it being a punishment, well, it isn't. Christ Himself said that trials aren't because of sin/doing something wrong. (john, ch 9) He was introduced to a man who had been blind all his life, and the question of who sinned was raised. Jesus answered that it wasn't that he or his parents had sinned, but "that the works of God may be made manifest in him." The trial was the opportunity to experience the miracle of being healed. I think that this is also true of our trials. I have seen the works of God made manifest in my life SO MANY times since Cora died. I have realized that small things are miracles, when I don't think that I would have thought of them as so had I not experienced what I have. And I have experienced the miracle of truly coming to know my Savior, of being held by Him, and having Him lead me through my Gethsemane. It's not that you weren't good enough, so he took your baby away. It's that He knew you were worthy of having one of His most perfect spirits.
(hugs)
My cousin was due the same week as me. He is now a happy two year old. I still can't look at him without crying. I have since had a baby (and have two older ones). I will always feel angry/mad/sad about Jack being taken from us. I was so mad at God that my husband was really worried about me and some of the things I said. You didn't do anything wrong. You will see why this happened one day. I understand why I went through what I went through and what lessons God needed to teach me now. It doesn't make it any easier on my heart though. I will carry Jack with me through out my life. Please stay close to your Heavenly Father. You can be mad at Him, He can take it but remember He does love you. You didn't do anything wrong. One day soon you will have a baby of your own to hold believe that. And thank you for keeping this blog. I visit here and think of my own little Heavenly baby.
I can not put into words how happy I am to find this blog post. The guilt I feel over my anger is killing me. We lost our baby this summer at 21wks to a twisted cord. Every ultrasound was perfect. The guilt and sadness have consumed me. Three weeks after delivery, my brother and his wife want to "surprise" us with the news that they are pregnant. My best friend just delivered and I should be about to deliver too. I can't be with any of them right now. We have three girls (7,9 and 12). I'm 38 - much older than I was when I had my girls. I know I am blessed with them, but struggling with anger and overwhelming sadness. I should be the mother of four girls. Tammy
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