First off, thank you everyone for your kind words of support and strength. I would like to say one thing though, I did say that I was angry at God...and maybe I kind of am, but I still pray and I don't think I'm really angry at Him. Life just hurts sometimes...but He will compensate us all for our losses...someday. Its that wait that can be so hard.
I had an "ah ha" moment today...it wasn't a really good "ah ha" moment but it was one none the less. I was reading a post from one of my angel mommy friends that just had another baby recently. She talked about how she still aches and hurts for the baby she lost. And I suddenly realized more than I think I have realized that I will NEVER be the same again in this life. I will always miss my baby. I think part of me has been operating under the feeling that having another baby will make us happy again and certainly it will heal us in some ways but I will always miss Alexis, and I am mourning the loss of who I was. I miss the care free Amy, I miss who I was before but I also know I've learned a lot of things I couldn't have learned any other way. I will never be who I was and maybe thats the purpose of all of this, but its sad to me too, that I will always have this hole in my heart until I'm with my baby again.
A lot of you that read this blog don't even know who I was before. Thats so weird to me, because I feel like we are all really good friends, but we only know eachother as our "after our baby died" self. Someday we will be with our babies again and then everything will be better. I don't know if anything I've said has made sense...I'm just kinda typing on the fly here expressing whats been going on in my head. Thanks again for everyone's love and support!
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I'm a 33 year old mother to a beautiful angel baby, Alexis Lynne. She was stillborn January 15, 2009 due to a cord accident. This blog was a place for me to write my feelings and thoughts about the experience. I hope its a place that others can learn and grow from too. I'm sincerely sorry if you are having to go through a similar trial right now. Please feel free to email me!! amywhitney85@gmail.com
6 comments:
I know the feeling and totally know what you are talking about.
*hugs my friend*
amy i know just what your talking about. i'm not the same person that i was before. people have noticed that i've changed. i don't think we will ever be the people that we were before we had to go through losing our children but we need to just make the best of each situation and trial that is given to us. love you girl.
I have made many friends after losing Preslie, who never even knew my old self. It really bothers me sometimes, but I hope that eventually I will be able to give them a glimpse of my happy old self. It's okay to be angry, I am still angry. We want our babies now! Keep hanging in there!!
Rylie
I think coming to terms with the "new" you is one of the hardest parts of this grief journey. I miss who I was. I miss the expectation that things will just go right. But, being 3 years and 2 kids down the road, I can see how I'm a better person. I wish there could have been another way to have made those improvements. I wish there was another way to have learned those lessons. But I'm grateful for the person it's turning me into.
So being different isn't necessarily bad. It's just hard to accept at first.
(hugs)
Praying for you today:)
I am helping the Peace of Mind Fund by doing a fun show to help Natalie.
Please check it out:
http://creativecrafting08.blogspot.com/2009/07/peace-of-mind-for-natalie.html
Thanks
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You hit the nail on the head. Moms who have to bury their babies are part of an elite club that will change you for the rest of your life. We've lost that naive sense that we had prior. I personally think we all probably knew each other prior to coming to earth and we were all reunited by the sharing and struggling bond of loosing a child. Although I've never formally met you, THANK YOU so much for helping me with my loss.
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