One year ago today...

I went to the doctor by myself, I was going weekly by then, it was Zach's first week of a semester and he had to go to class or he would be dropped. He went to most of my appointments with me, the week before I had started dilating so I was just hoping she would tell me I'd dilated a ton more and would deliver soon. It wasn't supposed to be a huge appointment so we figured I'd just go by myself. Little did I know it would be THE most poignant, devastating, shocking appointment/moment of my life!

I don't remember if I've told the details of that day on here yet but I consider it one of the "tender mercies" of the Lord and I need to document it, and share it with those who it might help. My appointment was supposed to be earlier in the morning, about 9:30am. I remember getting up and getting ready and then couldn't find my keys, we only had one key to my car and I couldn't find it ANYWHERE! I was stressing, I finally had to call the doctors office, tell them my predicament and hope I could reschedule for later that day, hoping I would find my keys by then. Luckily they said I could come in about noon. It NEVER entered my mind to see if one of my friends nearby could take me.

Then I texted Zach to ask him if he knew where my keys were, he normally didn't check his phone during class but I figured he might get it in between classes. He did and he said it was in his pants pocket that were hanging in the closet!! I NEVER would have looked there. So, I had my key and a new appointment time. I don't remember what I did until my appointment but one thing was for sure, I had no idea my baby was not alive inside of me. Its kind of weird to think back to that time and think how I had no clue. The only inkling I had of anything was that morning I sat on the edge of my bed and just had a moment of heaviness, not necessarily a negative feeling, just a feeling of something to come...and naturally I figured it was the nearing birth of our happy, kicking daughter. We all know what it really meant now.

So, I went to my appointment, I laid on that table and the doctor went to work with the doppler to find the baby's heart beat. Silence....deathly silence. Literally. I wasn't sure whether I should be worried. My doctor didn't say much, just that she was going to get the ultrasound machine. I remember her leaving and I laid there repeating in my mind a prayer, "Please Heavenly Father, bless the baby to be okay. Bless the baby to be okay." Over and over. Then the nurse brought the machine in, and the doctor came in and starting looking. I don't know if I didn't want to look or I couldn't really see but I just laid there and my doctor just kept looking, not saying anything for what seemed like FOREVER. Finally I asked, "Should I be worried?" Hoping beyond hope that the answer was no. And I will NEVER forget the doctor turning to me with the most SOMBER face and saying "Yes." Then she proceeded to say "Let me show you what I'm seeing." So she showed me the baby and the heart and said, "I'm sorry but its not beating." Oh my goodness, every mother's nightmare, unfolding right before me! My every fear and worry happening. I don't even remember seeing the ultrasound really, I wish now we had printed a picture or something, one of the very few things I would have to remember my baby by. Tears started to fall and I sat up and said something like "What do we do now?" I didn't know my doctor well, she was nice, but not someone that I was going to break down in front of or I felt emotionally safe to do so. She told me I had two choices. I could go home and wait for my body to go into labor naturally (YEAH RIGHT! no chance I was going to do that), or I could go downstairs to L&D and be induced. Of course I chose the later. She asked if there was anyone I wanted her to call, etc. and I told her my mother in law worked downstairs, so I told the doctor her name and she left to get her. Before she left I had her hand me my purse with my phone so I could call Zach. This is where the previous story of having to change my appointment time was truly a sweet tender mercy...

If my appointment had been at 9:30am Zach would have been smack dab in the middle of class all the way up at the U of U. He was pretty much unreachable while in class. So I would have called him, he would have been in class, I would have had to leave a message which he probably wouldn't even listen to until after class and even then it would have taken him AT LEAST 30-45 minutes to get to where I was since he would have had to take TRAX. Instead, in the Lord's infinite mercy, I couldn't find my key, I had to postpone my appointment so by the time I found out the unthinkable news Zach was at work, which was literally just DOWN THE STREET from where I was and his work was very flexible, he could pretty much come and go as he needed to. So when I called, as you might have read from his account, I still got a voicemail but he was able to listen to it shortly after and be to me right away. In the midst of our sorrow it was such a blessing to have him there so quickly, to be together, to support eachother. I thank God for that.

Zach arrived and we held eachother for a time. Zach's mom went out to call his brother so they could give me a blessing, and I remember distinctly sitting in the chairs, still in the doctor's office, with my sweetheart, the father of our child inside of me, and saying a prayer together. I was still clinging to a piece of hope that the Lord would work a miracle. I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that HE COULD, but with the same certainty I knew that if it was not His will that He wouldn't. And so they blessed me, with the holy priesthood, THE power of God on the earth. How grateful I am to have a worthy husband and brother in law who could do that for me, for us. There was no declaration of life or healing, I don't even remember what was said, but I do know that I had a feeling of peace. The Lord did not leave us alone.

We went downstairs, this part Zach pretty much covered. I'm sure the nurse could sense and probably literally see the heartbreak on my face and so they took pity on me and got me a room. The next hours of that day, the day that happened exactly one year ago today, were full of people visiting, nurses checking in on me, and lots of reflecting and talking about what decisions needed to be made. I remember I started contracting more after they gave me the cytotek and thought, THATS what it feels like! I'm pretty sure I'd had some braxton hicks contractions that I mistook for the baby pushing out because I just didn't know what a contraction felt like. They started to get stronger and then started to hurt. They had told me I could get my epidural whenever I wanted so I decided I didn't need to endure that physical pain anymore than possible so they came and gave me an epidural, WOW, epidurals are heaven sent! Seriously. They are so amazing.

And my body continued to slowly be coaxed into labor, we slept for a little while...cried a lot and prepared to meet our angel baby's body. I'm sure her spirit was there with us, oh how I wish I could have seen her! Her physical body would not come until the next day, tomorrow, the day our angel was "born". I still can't believe its been a year, I can't believe it even happened, that I'm still alive and functioning relatively well depending on who you ask. That is a testament to the power of God, He carries us when we can't take another step.