But the real one year ago came to me yesterday. A year ago yesterday I had a doctors appointment...it was my first after getting back from the holidays and I was going to go weekly now. We were SO CLOSE!! and so excited! I remember that appointment so well, the doctor checked me and I was already dilating and she said the baby was REALLY LOW, no wonder I was sooo sore all the time "down there". My doctor told me she didn't think I'd go till my due date, that the baby would come early. I was SO EXCITED!
And now...a year later, without my baby, I think back to that time and can't help but think, "Why didn't we know?!" I bet if we had done an ultrasound at least (like the doctor I go to now does, EVERY appointment) we would have seen the cord wrapped! That is probably the one thing I'm most upset about, that my doctor didn't even do ANY ultrasounds in the 3rd trimester. If I'd known how important it was I would have paid for the flippin' thing if they wanted me to, since stupid insurance won't cover it. OR they could just be SMART and KIND and do the ultrasounds for free with the machine they had ON WHEELS in the office!
But they didn't, and even after all this I still don't think my old doctor does 3rd trimester u/s. EVEN after she lost ANOTHER baby the SAME way just SIX MONTHS after me! You can tell this is something I feel very strongly about.
Anyway, I can't help but think, if they had induced me that day she would be here! I was dilating, she was LOW, it would have been fine to induce me. *sigh* But of course I know that all these "what ifs" don't change anything, and it was not meant to be. So really, deep down, I know it happened how it was supposed to. That she is where she needs to be...but it is still hard!! I miss my baby. She will always be my baby and I can't wait for the day we will be with her again!
8 comments:
I'll be thinking about you this next week. To me, the week leading up to Macie's birthday was way harder than the actual day. I think that beforehand you just think about all the "what-if's" and have all the memories of things being fine and dandy. Hopefully her birthday will be peaceful for you.
The start of my "one year ago" is going to be starting soon as well =(
Thinking of all of you dear Amy!
Thinking of you and praying! *HUGS*
Oh honey, don't feel guilty.
On another note, not necessarily. Cora's cord was clearly wrapped around her on the ultrasound at 23 weeks. Nobody said a word. My visiting teacher who is an ultrasound tech said they "don't like to worry" mothers. I NEEDED some worry!!
Ugh.
I tell myself the same thing you do. She wasn't supposed to stay.
((hugs))
I get this Amy - so sorry we share this sad experience. Our Rose died 1/16, and was born 1/18....I've also been replaying my last visit in my head - at 38 weeks, I was showing all the signs of Pre-E, so they sent me to the hospital for a NST, and the hospital sent me home a few hours later saying I was good til my appt the following week.
Why not a quick US in the office, or even at L&D - maybe they would have seen decrease lung activity, something to indicate she was beginning to be in distress. Rose died 3 days after this supposedly 'good' NST.
My OB did a quick US today right in the office (with one of those wheel in machines) when I had concerns about a headache that wouldn't go away(i'm 24 weeks).....I can't help but think what if I'd had a different provider that last appt, what if it had been someone less rushed, someone more conservative, someone more communicative of the potential dangers of the signs of pre-e I was showing....someone who didn't treat every pregnancy as normal until it wasn't. sigh
whatif.whatif.whatif.
thinking of you and Alexis so much in the next week....our girls in heaven for their first birthdays.
Oh Amy, I've had all those "what if" thoughts myself and they are tormenting. Thinking of you in the days to come and sending you love and hugs.
Andrea
www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com
OH Amy, thinking of you. What a hard week, I hope you guys feel Alexis with you. I felt a weight lifted after all the "firsts" were over. I hope you feel that too. Love ya. And I hope you can have a peaceful week in remembering her life.
Amy, I'm so sorry for your loss and this 'year later' without sweet Alexis! Those what ifs are terrible taunts that I think Satan uses to try & steal the peace that God gives us! I wish I had something perfect to say, but I'll say the only thing I know is comforting, you, and your family are in my prayers!!
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