"They judge us for being stuck and not moving on. They don't understand that we ARE moving on - we're moving on with the children we have and with children who should be getting bigger if they weren't dead. It's not like we can just erase our children from our hearts, minds & bodies. The reality is that we move forward in our children's deaths, adding year after year of absence to the pile."
-Vickie Bacon
Its not that I'm not happy, I am happy, I have many happy moments, moments where I laugh and enjoy the time I have with those I love. But my baby died, and that has FOREVER changed me, I'm no longer the way I was. There is a dimension in my life that will always be there now, I will always miss my baby and it will always be hard. But I can still be happy and have these hard times too. Ok...enough about that.
Christmas...I do love Christmas, I love the lights, music and decorations. Most of all I just love the feeling of Christmas. There is such a wonderful feeling that comes with Christmas. But this year its been different unfortunately. I haven't felt the same zeal, in fact I'll go as far as to say part of me can't wait for it to be over with. Yes we've put up our tree, but I haven't put up all the decorations I normally do. I normally LOVE Christmas music but I really haven't been into listening to it this year. I know there are many reasons for this, part of it is I'm just barely coming out of the first trimester so I'm still very tired and I think thats affected a lot of it. But its also so hard to go through all the festivities without Alexis. Maybe its because its so close to her one year, last year at this time I was very big, I was getting so close to my due date and was so excited. And then just a few short weeks after coming home from our California Christmas I found out my baby was dead. Its bringing back a lot of feelings. I'm so anxious for this new baby to be here to that I'm having a hard time not wanting the holidays to just get over with so the rest of the time can go by too. Can you blame me? And if you think you can I don't want to hear about it.
Though its a hard season we have had some fun times so far, going to plays and musical performances. And most of all, spending time with family. I won't see all of my family this year and I'm sad about that but I will/have seen some of them. And others have been sooo understanding and kind, recognizing this time is hard and helping us to get through it the best we can. Thank you to those people.
Lexi, we miss you this season and every season baby girl. Come and visit us sometime this Christmas and let us know you are there! Love you, Mommy.
8 comments:
Amy-
I am glad that you posted this. This journey is SOO hard. I think sometimes we think it will go away if we pretend, but the pain is so strong. I hope you can enjoy Christmas. We can always hope that the "zeal" will come back next year. Thanks for listening to all my emails and for understanding a "stranger" I appreciate your freindship.
Jaymie
To all of those who want to judge or think we should be well and past our grief...they've obviously not walked this path.
My thoughts, through this joureny are that just when you think the grieving has become less and you are feeling a bit better....it returns. You can't help it, as it lives within you. Grief is a part of our "new normal" and I pray those who don't know this pain never will. Navigate this time the best way you know how, one day at a time :)
Thanks for being real....
Hugs,
Andrea
www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com
Amy,
I like that you are honest because sometimes it's hard to always be honest about the feelings you truely have. I like the quote you used from another angel Mommy.
I love Christmas music too! I have been debating writing a post about the song "Breath of Heaven" (Mary's Song) I feel that it describes alot of the way that we feel as Mom's carrying these chosen spirits and then God being there for us and having a plan for us. I also like to think of the breath of heaven being our sweet babies whispering in our ear.
Thanks for the Christmas card. I loved it! Especially your little monkey in the picture :)
I understand it must be really hard making so many memories and being so pregnant and then to have it taken all away. I have been thinking of you lately.
Take care!
Kami
I can't say I know how you feel.. because I don't know. I can't even comprehend loosing a child. But I do think about you and pray for you and your unborn baby. Lots of love to you. Merry Christmas :)
I'm not in both of your shoes yet dear friend, just one, but I can only imagine the emotions that flood your heart.
Last year I was blissfully pregnant with the boys, we were putting up our Christmas tree, singing to Christmas music and just joyful. It is so hard this year and I completely understand.
Many hugs!
That is very well said. I've been struggling this season too. At times I feel like my smile is just painted on, and I don't like that feeling, but I can't help it.
And am I right in reading that your in your 1st trimester? So is there another one on the way? I've been dead to the world apparently-so if you are-Congrats!
Amy the holidays suck when you lost someone. Last year it had only been one month since I had Harrison. I was the same way. I didn't care about Christmas. We also moved into our new house 3 days before Christmas so things were hectic/crazy. I know all the "1sts" without someone are the hardest and you said it, its almost her 1 year so there's so much to think about right now. I know it may be too late but a friend of mine suggested last year that we pick a baby boy off one of those angel tree's in honor Harrison since I wouldn't be buying CHristmas presents for him. So I think its something we will always do. Just a thought. It did help me get in the spirit and made me happy. I hope you can have a good Christmas though. Love ya.
I echo your thoughts on the holidays. It's so sad without our angles & hard to not think constantly what 'would've been'. I'm sad every day, which doesn't mean there is no happiness, I'm happy too, but can't be jolly all the time!
I'm thinking of you and praying for you to enjoy this pregnancy with smooth sailing all the way through and for that hopefulness for the rest of us to come soon!!
Post a Comment