As I sat in church today my arms ached more than usual as I couldn't help but watch and notice all the babies and little kids around. There are lots in our ward. I just want a baby that is all mine, one that I am responsible for...a baby that is only consolable by me, the mother. A child that when they fall and get hurt will only want to go to me. Many mothers may get frustrated when all the time the only person their child will go to is them, but I would "give my right arm" for that! I literally ACHE for that. And I'm just so tired of waiting, I don't have any other choice but to wait, but there are times the feeling of time overwhelms me. A good friend of mine that was pregnant after she lost a baby joked how everyone told her she was like an elephant, because elephants are pregnant for 2 years. Well, thats how long I'll have waited to get a baby. I realized the other day that it will be exactly, almost to the day, two years from the day I found out I was pregnant with Alexis to the day we will have this baby. Two years sounds so long, and it feels so long. 9 months sounds long enough to wait for a baby, but I'm going to have to wait 3 times 9 months almost. I know in the long scheme of things 2 years isn't that long, but it IS when you are waiting and waiting for something. *sigh* Nevermind me, I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. And please, don't give me advice about needing to be positive, etc. I know all of that, its just hard sometimes and I think we should be allowed just to feel it at times without worrying about people coming back with what they think you should be doing differently. As I was thinking about these things in church today, with it being so close to Christmas, a favorite Christmas song I've sung often for my family came to mind, especially the first few lines, its a song called "Marry's Lullaby":
All mine in your loveliness baby, all mine. All mine in your holiness baby divine.
Sing on herald angels in chorus sublime;
Sing on and adore, for tonight you are mine.
The wise men are coming to worship their King,
The shepherds are kneeling their homage to bring.
Out yonder the star over Judah will keep.
No harm will befall thee, then sleep baby sleep.
O let me enfold thee, my baby tonight,
While legions are singing in joyous delight.
A new star has risen to hail thee divine,
For you are a king, but tonight you are mine.
Away spectered future of sorrow and plight,
Away to the years that must follow tonight.
The pangs of Gethsemane, let them be dim,
The red drops on Calvary, not Lord, for Him!
O let me enfold thee, my baby tonight,
While legions are singing in joyous delight.
A new star has risen to hail thee divine,
For you are a king, but tonight you are mine.
Sing on herald angels in chorus sublime;
Sing on and adore, for tonight you are mine.
it's uncanny. i've said many times how i feel like im still pregnant. i must still be pregnant, on week 60 or so by now, since there's no baby, and that if i finally get a baby after 2 years, it will be an elephant's pregnancy. i promise i've had that exact thought. it's uncanny.
i also just wrote on my last blog... please dont give me advice or ask me to feel anything different.
so i wont. im letting you feel what you need to feel. waiting and waiting and waiting forever for the sweet reward of a living child.
I love that song. I can't sing it, it makes me cry every time. Even before I ever had a baby.
I got pregnant with Cora in August of 2005 and Erin was born June of 2007, so it was almost the same thing. I remember talking to my mom once, telling her that I didn't want to have to go through a whole second pregnancy, and my mom said "well, you've got to pay the price." My response was "but I already DID!!"
It was so hard. But after Erin was born, the length of the wait no longer mattered. (hugs)
2 years is a very long time, but just take it day by day and before you know it you will have a beautiful live baby in your arms! The wait is worth it!
Amy I feel the same way. I feel like I am doing well/better about the whole thing but its times when I see babies, especially boys that would be around Harry's age that I realize I should have a baby right now to take care of and not one in my womb waiting to be born. It sucks really. I can't wait for your baby to come and as much as I want you to have the baby now I think its best we wait till full term right? I'm kidding. I just say that everyday almost, I just wish I could have the baby today and people look at me like what? Your last baby was born too early and didn't survive. Its not that I want to go into labor today I just want a baby today.
It really isn't fair and it stinks that we even have to go through it. Plain and simple. :-( These next pregnancies are just going to take FOREVER, aren't they?
I read this song on one of my friend's blog and I instantly thought of Alexis. Hope you like it...Keep being that amazing you!
I still hear the songs, I still see the lights I still feel the love, on cold wintry nights I still share your hopes, and all of your cares I'll even remind you, to please say your prayers I just want to tell you, you still make me proud You stand head and shoulders, above all the crowd Keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace I came here before you, to help set your place You don't have to be perfect all of the time He forgives you the slip, if you continue the climb To my family and friends, please be thankful today I'm still close beside you, in a new special way I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear Cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year
Thank you for sharing your journey. Like, you, I hope the next 6 months 'fly by'. I've had a m/c, followed by a stillbirth and now pregnant again. God must be toying with me. The month we get licensed to adopt, this happens So if you think 2 years is long, try 3 years and 3 months. Now what animal is pregnant that long? Please, keep sharing your thought and like you, let the next six months speed by.
I'm so glad I found this blog and this post!! You sad the things I'm thinking! It will be 3 years for me in March since I started trying and 2 babies in heaven later with no current pregnancy, somedays I'm just beside myself with sadness! The holidays have been so hard with all the babies on cards and seeing all the kids and babies loving the holidays! All I can think is I just want my own! Some of my friends kids really love me and love on me, but when they fall down or are ready to go to bed they want mom, not DeeDee, breaks my heart!
I'm a 33 year old mother to a beautiful angel baby, Alexis Lynne. She was stillborn January 15, 2009 due to a cord accident. This blog was a place for me to write my feelings and thoughts about the experience. I hope its a place that others can learn and grow from too. I'm sincerely sorry if you are having to go through a similar trial right now. Please feel free to email me!! amywhitney85@gmail.com
9 comments:
it's uncanny. i've said many times how i feel like im still pregnant. i must still be pregnant, on week 60 or so by now, since there's no baby, and that if i finally get a baby after 2 years, it will be an elephant's pregnancy. i promise i've had that exact thought. it's uncanny.
i also just wrote on my last blog... please dont give me advice or ask me to feel anything different.
so i wont. im letting you feel what you need to feel. waiting and waiting and waiting forever for the sweet reward of a living child.
I love that song. I can't sing it, it makes me cry every time. Even before I ever had a baby.
I got pregnant with Cora in August of 2005 and Erin was born June of 2007, so it was almost the same thing. I remember talking to my mom once, telling her that I didn't want to have to go through a whole second pregnancy, and my mom said "well, you've got to pay the price." My response was "but I already DID!!"
It was so hard. But after Erin was born, the length of the wait no longer mattered. (hugs)
Everything you wrote is exactly how my husband and I feel everyday ... thanks for posting so we know we're not alone.
2 years is a very long time, but just take it day by day and before you know it you will have a beautiful live baby in your arms! The wait is worth it!
Amy I feel the same way. I feel like I am doing well/better about the whole thing but its times when I see babies, especially boys that would be around Harry's age that I realize I should have a baby right now to take care of and not one in my womb waiting to be born. It sucks really. I can't wait for your baby to come and as much as I want you to have the baby now I think its best we wait till full term right?
I'm kidding. I just say that everyday almost, I just wish I could have the baby today and people look at me like what? Your last baby was born too early and didn't survive. Its not that I want to go into labor today I just want a baby today.
It really isn't fair and it stinks that we even have to go through it. Plain and simple. :-(
These next pregnancies are just going to take FOREVER, aren't they?
I read this song on one of my friend's blog and I instantly thought of Alexis. Hope you like it...Keep being that amazing you!
I still hear the songs, I still see the lights
I still feel the love, on cold wintry nights
I still share your hopes, and all of your cares
I'll even remind you, to please say your prayers
I just want to tell you, you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders, above all the crowd
Keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace
I came here before you, to help set your place
You don't have to be perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip, if you continue the climb
To my family and friends, please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you, in a new special way
I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year
Thank you for sharing your journey. Like, you, I hope the next 6 months 'fly by'. I've had a m/c, followed by a stillbirth and now pregnant again. God must be toying with me. The month we get licensed to adopt, this happens So if you think 2 years is long, try 3 years and 3 months. Now what animal is pregnant that long? Please, keep sharing your thought and like you, let the next six months speed by.
I'm so glad I found this blog and this post!! You sad the things I'm thinking! It will be 3 years for me in March since I started trying and 2 babies in heaven later with no current pregnancy, somedays I'm just beside myself with sadness! The holidays have been so hard with all the babies on cards and seeing all the kids and babies loving the holidays! All I can think is I just want my own! Some of my friends kids really love me and love on me, but when they fall down or are ready to go to bed they want mom, not DeeDee, breaks my heart!
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