Its been almost 2 years...2 years since Alexis died. You'd think that by now I would have felt the full range of emotions related to my experience but I guess not...yesterday I had a new realization, a realization of sheer horror. Horror of the fact that my baby DIED INSIDE OF ME! She was alive...and then she DIED, INSIDE of me. I don't know if I can communicate what I'm trying to in words but the fact that a living thing actually lost their life inside of me is horrifying. Maybe its shows like NCIS or Fringe that we've watched lately that made me think of things this way... but really...How did I not know?!
Did she suffer? I know I've thought of this before but never really dwelled on it, hoping that she didn't. I know most people would say no she didn't but really? Do you really think that or are you just being nice? Because the cord was wrapped around her neck...it wasn't instant...it had to be gradual...when they did the autopsy they said they found some of her blood vessels burst, evidence of asphyxiation! They BURST...oh sweet baby I'm so sorry....I hope you didn't suffer or hurt but if you did I'm so sorry Mommy didn't know....I wish I could have saved you, but it was not meant to be. We miss you so much. Your little sister will know about you and we will see you again someday.
3 comments:
Oh, how we love you, Amy. And oh how we love Alexis, too! You are amazing. I know losing Alexis continues to be a daily struggle for you guys... and yet you live life with hope, faith and happiness. You are truly amazing. I love you! And I know Alexis knows you love her too!
I know this feeling, this horror. I think about it a lot. I like to picture it as her falling asleep, because I can't bear to think of it any other way. We didn't have an autopsy done as her cause of death was very clear upon birth (also a cord accident). But I have serious issues with corpses and such things (wouldn't think so since I'm a fan of shows like fringe and bones, but those aren't REAL), and so before she was born I really had this feeling of revulsion and horror before I could get in to be induced.
It really is a horrifying thing. The total polar opposite to that wonderful feeling of giving a child life, and realizing that they are growing in you.
Ugh (((hugs)))
And that song you posted in your next post is just beautiful. Thank you.
OH Amy! I've wondered the same thing too. It just brings tears to my eyes. You're not alone.
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