Feeling Sad

I've really been feeling down this past week. I'm sure it has to do with this being the week two years ago that my first baby died. Our sweet Alexis died. I don't know when it was exactly. I wish I did...when did her heart actually stop beating? But I do know that it was two years ago today that I laid on that table in the doctors office totally naive to the crushing blow that was soon to follow.

Doctor squirts the gel on your tummy. Presses the doppler to your skin. Normally there is a strong thump, thump, thump...a healthy baby's heart beating. But in my case, two years ago today, there was silence. Nothing but silence.

Then comes the ultrasound machine. More silence. Then the words that brought my whole world down..."I'm sorry but its not beating (talking about her heart)."

Sitting here two years later with our healthy 2nd baby girl jumping in her jumperoo I can hardly believe it was real. Does that REALLY happen?! Babies DIE?! Unfortunately they do. It happened to me.

I have two children though you wouldn't know it to look at me.

I really have been feeling a lot more sad this whole week. Even when I haven't been necessarily thinking about Alexis I've just been sad.

I've been feeling a little angry too. When I was pregnant with Alexis things were really good...I mean for me personally, I felt like I was doing really well in most aspects of my life. Things that I had struggled with before were not really a problem. I was in a really good place emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

Then my baby died. And I feel like I'd been slapped down hard off the proverbial ladder. I'd been climbing, working, and then all of a sudden WHAM knocked all the way to the ground. I started struggling mentally and emotionally again, and I didn't have the strength to fight it this time...I was dealing with my daughter's death.

 And so I sit here now feeling like I'm still trying to work my way up that ladder again. In some ways I still feel beaten down, like I'm barely getting off the ground again. Its really frustrating.

Of course we are stronger in some areas because of it. There are some wonderful things that have come and still come from this experience, people I've met, opportunities I've had...but right now I'm just feeling sad.

We miss you Alexis.